3 weeks ago as I was packing for the holidays, I came across my old journals from 2014-2017. I re-read every single page to look back on where I was and how I was back then. What’s funny is, almost every journal is the same. Same entries, same goals, same plans on how to achieve my monthly goals, same mindset. Each journal has a rant section where I have the same sentiments of why I hate myself, of why I’m disappointed with myself, of how I blame myself for not achieving my monthly goals, of how I feel sorry for myself for being mediocre.
Most people say it’s fun to re-read your old journals to see how much you’ve grown, how much you’ve changed over the years, but that’s not what it’s like for me. Rereading my journals made me realize that 2018 is no different, I’m in a no less different position as to how I was years ago. Maybe, I improved a little, but still, my habits and mindset haven’t changed. I’m still the same old Danica who sets monthly goals and ends up frustrated and disappointed with herself, but still choose to not do anything about it because she’s scared of doing things alone and go out of her comfort zone. I’m still the same old Danica who runs to her best friend for advice, but never applies what she’s been told because of whatever reason she has in mind. The same old Danica who never ran out of excuses for not trying things, for not speaking up, and whatever old shit she puts herself into.
I didn’t realize how hard I was on myself every year until I saw my journals. I thought it was just a phase when the truth is, I have beaten myself up over it for so long that it gets worse every year. The thing is, I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I’m tired of being mocked by the people around me because of my actions and decisions…It’s true that words have power over us, and sometimes it affects the way you see yourself.
My boss once told me that you don’t wait for inspiration to be able to do something. That didn’t make sense until now. I’ve come to realize that I need to do something with my life before the day comes that I regret all my actions. I’m 24, and I don’t wanna spend the next years having the same journal entries over and over again, the same blog posts on a New Year.
I guess this year should be about acknowledging the fact that there is a problem, and stop brushing it off. Despite knowing that I have it in me to change, I need to figure out why being consistent has always been my problem. I discovered this year that I am in the Steady-Corrective personality type, which explains all these, but I can work on something to help improve myself.
I claim that 2019 is the year that I’ll start believing in myself. That, and everything will follow.
So here’s to a new year we’re all looking forward to! I hope we all approach this year with boldness to dream big dreams, set big goals and achieve all that we are wishing for. Happy New Year to you all!