Hi! How have you guys been? I haven’t written anything since forever, and I feel like people don’t really read personal blogs anymore…but I decided to keep this one for the same reason I started it, an escape and an outlet. Something that’s outside of what I do that makes me happy. So here’s a life update nobody asked for.
7 months into freelancing, and here I am settling into my new life and the new normal. It wasn’t an easy journey most especially when I have a different vision of how freelancing is gonna be for me. I didn’t know pandemic would have this effect on me knowing that I’m the type of person who loves staying at home and being alone. I neglected this feeling for the longest time, but I feel like it’s about time I acknowledge it and accept that there will really come a time when you’d feel like yourself withers away in your uninspired and uncreative life.
Being in between projects which is totally everything I have worked towards the last couple of months has been overwhelming to the point where I question myself if I’m really creating something or just doing it because I know how to or because I have to is the hardest part. I feel like every day I wake up and just try to make things presentable, but I’m not really creating if that makes sense. There was even a time when I question myself if I really am an artist or a creative because I feel like I haven’t presented any strong ideas to work on. Growing up, I’ve always compared myself to other people and I hate how I come up with reasons as to why I’ll never be as good as them. I can’t help but question myself as an artist because I never really see myself as one. I’ve always wanted to –desperately to be honest. My sleep-deprived and procrastinating self have always struggled with finding my style, my identity, and a set of routine to make this whole creative rut thing more bearable and I’m so scared that if this continues I will always think that I’m not skilled enough to create. I am so overwhelmed, yet outwardly calm and I’m so disappointed with myself for even feeling this way.
I don’t really have a tip on how to get out of this rut, because if I do I’d be a long way out of it now. But, what I’m going to share with you guys is my plan. I am planning to let myself think and pause for a while. Ask myself why I even wanted to do this. I need to force myself to take charge of the situation and not let the situation control me. So, here’s me…pressing that reset button again and just trying to be better one step at a time.